Resident Arms
by HOPPnFRAS
Summary: What happens when a bunch oh random characters are forced to live together in an apartment building with each other? Hilarity, that's what!
1. Vincent's Bad Fur Day

_Disclaimer: We don't own the rights to absolutely everyone in this FanFic! Not even the building, we took the likeness from the movie poster of "The Raid: Redemption"! That's how much we don't own! Enjoy none the less! XD_

**Resident Arms**

**Chapt. 1:Vincent's Bad Fur Day**

Tonight was an unusually dreary night. The sky was pitch black with no sight of the moon or the stars and to make matters worse it was pouring rain. Looking out at this depressing landscape, a man dressed in a red cloak with long black hair, ponders how his life lead up to this point. All of a sudden a helicopter came speeding right towards him and launched a missile in his direction. It made contact with his apartment window and completely destroyed his apartment. Behind all the smoke and debris, the red cloaked man leapt an incredible height and began shooting the flying machine with his triple barrelled handgun. In retaliation, the machine fired another missile, which the man used as a boost to jump even higher and flipped over the helicopter and preceded to shoot at its tail. The machine exploded and crashed into the building just as the man landed on the ground. After a dramatic pause, a tall skinny man with glasses came stomping out.

"VINCENT!" yelled the spectacled man. "This s the third time this week a giant military machine destroyed my apartment building! I can't take it anymore! Get the hell out!"

"Awww, c'mon Hojo, I'm sorry!" pleaded Vincent

"NO! Sorry isn't gonna cut it this time! I'm sick of this shit happening, plus my insurance only cover two explosions per week, so get out!"

"Fine..." sighed Vincent "Just let me get my stuff...:

"You don't have any stuff." Said Hojo.

"Oh yeah." Sighed Vincent and started to walk away slowly in the rain. Vincent continued to walk for hours, wondering where else he could go, when he heard a familiar voice from behind him.

"VINCENT! WAIT!" yelled Hojo

"Hojo? You came after me? Said Vincent with a glimmer of hope. "Did you change your mind?

"What? No! You forgot your stupid, out of date, cellphone!" said Hojo as he threw it at Vincent's face. Vincent caught his phone with ease and calmly put it in his pocket. He then began to smirk."You wouldn't run after me all this way just to give me my cell phone, you must care about me."

What are you talking about? Said a confused Hojo. "You were walking depressingly slow and, quite literally, just crossed the street!"

Vincent turned around and saw the demolished building only meters from where he was standing. "Oh..." was all he could muster up and he began to walk a little faster until he came across a rather large apartment building. Though it looked pretty decrepit, he didn't have much of a choice do he quickly ran inside in hopes of finding a new place to live. As he entered he noticed a tall and skinny man sitting behind a desk. Coincidentally, he reminded him of someone he saw recently.

"_hmm...that guy looks a lot like Hojo",_ thought Vincent._ "But he doesn't have a fake looking moustache, so it clearly couldn't be him!_"

"Can I help you, sir?" said Not Hojo, with a smirk.

"Yes actually, I was hoping you had a room available?" questioned Vincent.

"Well we do have one room." Not Hojo said, trying to hold back laughter. "But it's on the top floor."

"That's fine…" said Vincent. "But how much is it to stay here?"

"Why…it's…it's…$20 a month, yeah, that' right!" answered Not Hojo.

"Oh, well, that's quite cheap, so I'll take it." Vincent began to walk towards the elevator when the man leapt in front of him, successfully blocking his way.

"WAIT!" yelled Not Hojo as he pointed to a sign on the elevator. "Can't you read? It says **Out of Order!**"

"Well then, what am I supposed to do? Take the stairs?" protested Vincent.

" Yes, that's exactly what you are supposed to take!"

"B-But there's like…30 flights of stairs!"

"Well don't blame me for this! It's not like I'm your previous landlord in disguise trying to take revenge for all the pain you caused me!"

"…That's true, *sigh*, well I better get started" Vincent said grudgingly as he began the long hike to his new apartment. Just as the door to the stairs closed, three gentlemen walked into the lobby carrying three pizza boxes. One man was tall and toned with slicked back blonde hair with a black business suit and a pair of sunglasses on. The other two were relatively shorter than the man and both had blue overalls. One was chubby and wearing a red shirt and cap with an "M" on it while the other one was taller and wearing a green shirt and cap with an "L" on his. They didn't seem to notice Not Hojo as they were deep in conversation.

"So you're saying that your princess was in another castle?" Said the tall man in sunglasses. "Why didn't you just ask that pathetic fungal cretin where she was?"

"Well…I –a- didn't think of that." Said the man in red in a stereotypically offensive Italian accent. "And they're called-a-Toads, Mr. Wesker."

"Everything is a pathetic fungal cretin compared to me, Mario, everything." bragged Wesker.

"Thanks-a-boss…"said the one in green sarcastically. "It's nice to know you think-a-highly of us."

"I'm glad you appreciate it, Luigi," said Wesker " but now it's time to destroy these delicious pizz…HEY! What are you doing here!"

Not Hojo turned around only to see that Wesker had finally noticed him. "Get out of here!" demanded Wesker as he grabbed a broom from the back of the counter. "Shoo! Go on, get out!" he said jabbing the broom at Not Hojo.

"Aaaah!" Not Hojo yelled out of annoyance and ran out the door.

"Well that takes care of that!" said Wesker with the sense of a job well done.


	2. Link's Dilemma

**Resident Arms**

**Chapter 2: Link's dilemma**

The rain started coming down harder as the night went on. This was an unfortunate event to a certain green cladded warrior who now was now in full sprint looking for shelter. "Din damn it! Why did it have to rain?" he said "Of course it happens today…" He continued to run until he saw what looked like an apartment building, you know, if it survived a nuclear explosion. Deciding it was most likely better than his current situation, he quickly ran inside. When he got into the lobby, he looked around only to find that no one was there.

"Hello." He said looking around for a response.

"Hello!" He said louder, but still no answer.

"HELLO!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, but again there was no response. It was then that he noticed a small bell on the reception desk. He walked up to it and lightly touched the button.

*ting*

"GOD DAMN IT! STOP MAKING ALL THAT INSUFFERABLE RACKET!" yelled Wesker as he stomped out of his back room. He quickly kicked the little bell clear across the room and watched it as it bounced off the wall. He walked towards it and pulled out his pistol.

"…never again…"He then shot the bell and it burst into pieces. As he put his gun back into his coat pocket he noticed the man in green staring at him awkwardly. "Alright, what is the meaning of this interruption? "

"Um…I'd like a room, please." Said the man, still a little confused at what just happened.

"And that couldn't wait until AFTER Ninja Turtles?" protested Wesker. "I was in the middle of researching for a new mutagen!" He then began to put his hand in his coat pocket. "I don't think so."

The man, who didn't want to become like that poor bell, quickly reached into a bag on his belt and pulled out a few green gems. He showed them to Wesker and said "I have shiny things."

"Shiny things, eh?" said Wesker as he grabbed one. "These will do nicely…MARIO! LUIGI! BRING ME MY GUESTBOOK!" The two plumbers rush out with the guest book and hand it to Wesker who then flips through the pages. "Hmmm…let's see here…we seem to be full, but others have been sharing a room thus sharing the rent."

"Yeah sure, whatever." said the man. "By the way this day is going, why not bunk with a random stranger and possibly get shanked."

"Good." Said Wesker. "Name?"

"Link"

"Last name?"

"No it's just Link"

"Alright, Mr. Noitsjuslink, Mario and Luigi will show you to the rooms available"

"But, Mr.-a-Wesker," protested Luigi. "what about-a-the pizza?"

"You just leave those to me," said Wesker. "Don't worry, I'll save you some of those mushrooms you seem to have a fetish for." And with that he went back into the back room and slammed the door. Mario and Luigi sighed in disappointment and lead Link towards the elevator.

"Huh, isn't it out of order?" questioned Link pointing at the crudely drawn sign in front of the elevator.

"Mama mia! Who keeps-a-putting this here?" said an irritated Mario. He grabbed the sign and threw it in a nearby trash can. They proceeded to enter the elevator and Mario pushed the button to take them to the third floor. When they got out Link followed them to the first room he could stay in. "Let's-a-see here…the first room you can stay in is-a-room 302 with a Mr. Henry Townsend. Mario knocked on the door to try and get Henrys attention. On the other side of the door it is revealed that it is wrapped in locked chains so no one could get in or out. The sound of Mario knocking got the attention of Henry, a man dressed in a pale blue shirt and jeans who looked like he hasn't slept for about 6 weeks.

"Wh-what was that?" Mumbled Henry, who was startled by the sound.

"Mr. Townsend?" Mario said from the other side of the door. "Are you-a-home?"

Henry quickly got up and banged on the door. "YES! PLEASE HELP!" he pleaded. "THERE ARE CHAINS ON THE DOOR! I'VE BEEN TRAPPED IN HERE FOR WEEKS!"

Unfortunately no one could hear him from the hallway because of the evil spiritual energy that has infected the area around his room. Mario knocked again, but there was no response…that they heard anyway. "I guess-a-no one's home." Said Mario "Come to think of it I-a-have never seen him come out of his room."

"Well, that's pretty creepy…"said Link "I probably wouldn't want to live there. In fact, we should really never try to go near this place again."

You're-a-probably right." Said Luigi "It's not like someone would be-a- screaming for help, we would have heard-a-something."

"WAIT! NO!" yelled Henry in a last ditch effort, but it was no use as they walked away. He then slid down the wall and started to cry.

The group then went on to the next option on the 13 floor. When they reached the floor they went to room 1301 and knocked on the door. After a few seconds a huge blue and red demon opened the door. He had huge ram-like horns, glowing red eyes, and a powerful aura to him. He also wore a white chef's hat and apron with the words: "Kiss the cook…KISS HIM NOW!" written on it and was stirring a big mixing bowl with a wooden spoon. "**YES?**" the demon answered in a low and powerful voice.

"Hello Mr…." struggled Mario looking for his surname.

"**I HAVE NO LAST NAME. I AM THE LEGENDARY DARK KNIGHT SPARDA, PROTECTOR OF THE HUMAN RACE, NO DEMON SHALL ESCAPE MY SIGHTS!**" Boomed Sparda.

"That's-a-great, we were wondering if you would-a-consider having a roommate?"

"**HMMM…I GUESS THAT WOULD BE OK."**

"Oh, cool." Said Link "You seem like a really nice person."

"**WELL, I DO TRY TO BE MY BEST AROUND PEOPLE.**" Said Sparda who began to blush…probably, it's really hard to tell if they have no skin. It was then that Link noticed the mixing bowl in Sparda's hand.

"What are you making?" he asked.

"**I'M MAKING COOKIES, I REALLY LOVE TO BAKE!**" Sparda said.

"What kind?"

"**MY FAVORITE KIND, OATMEAL RAISIN.**"

It was then that Link's face turned from uncaring to a form of anger not known by many. "Oatmeal raisin? OATMEAL RAISIN! What kind of monster are you? They are the most evil and deceptive cookie on the planet. You think you're getting something delicious and sweet, like chocolate chip, but when you take a bite all you get is a mouthful of lies!" Link began to walk away from the terribly confused and broken-hearted Sparda. "I-I can't even look at him now." The Brothers shook their heads at Sparda in disappointment. They left to the top floor where the last room is.

"Well," said Mario "Here is-a-the last one."

"Gee, I can't wait to see which psycho-killer lives here." Said Link sarcastically

Luigi, ignoring Link's blatant sarcasm, brought out the guestbook. "It says-a-here that a Vincent Valentine…but that's odd…it says he moved in today, but I don't remember him…"

As Luigi pondered this a man came out of the stairway area, dragging himself to the room. It was none other than Vincent Valentine.

"Too…many…freaking….stairs!" Gasped an exhausted Vincent as he collapsed by the door.

"Well, why didn't you just use the elevator?" questioned Link.

"Out…of order" was all he said.

"No it wasn't. We just came from it."

"What?...but the landlord with the moustache and glasses….he said…"

"That's not the landlord." said Mario. "The landlord has-a-none of those things!"

"…but…" said a confused Vincent "Then who was…" It was then that Vincent put the pieces of the cleverly laid out puzzle; The man having the same glasses as Hojo, He wore the same clothes Hojo wore not moments ago, that time when his moustache fell off to reveal that he looked exactly like Hojo, it all made perfect sense. "Hojo…so it was you all along." Said an irritated Vincent.

"Well, that sounds like a giant twist and all, do you mind if I become your roommate? I don't have anywhere else to go, plus we'd split the rent." Asked Link.

Vincent took those words to heart and almost immediately gave his answer. "I know that feel bro." he said with a tear in his eye.

"Sooo, that's a yes?"

Vincent nodded and got up. "But I already paid that guy $20 for rent."

"You actually think rent is-a- $20?" Said a surprised Luigi

"So how much is it really?" asked Vincent knowing the price was too good to be true.

"It's-a- $10"

"Oh"

So Vincent and Link walked in to their new living quarters and saw that it looked like a Zombie apocalypse came and went through the place. The second thing was that there was one bedroom.

"Would you mind if I took the Bedroom?" asked Vincent. "I need a private place to sit on a windowsill and look out gloomily at the dark shroud of night, wondering how I got in this situation."

"Go ahead," said Link nonchalantly. "I haven't slept for seven years anyways."


	3. The Sons of Sparda

**Resident Arms**

**Chapter 3: The Sons of Sparda**

Sparda was not having a very good day; not only did his pot roast burned, but he was just told off by a short Legolas-looking man in a funny hat. After that little incident, he had fallen into a depressed state, which is unusual for a happy-go-lucky demon lord like himself. He decided to just try to forget the situation and watch a little Telemundo….because that's what he calls it…he calls it Telemundo. **"WELL AT LEAST I STILL HAVE YOU, STORIES!"** said Sparda as he turned the T.V on just in time for _As The Planet Namek Turns._ **"OH, GOOD!"** said a particularly excited Sparda. **"I DIDN'T MISS IF THEY WERE GOING TO FIND OUT IF JARDIN WAS THE SON OF SAPURU OR IF THAT TROLLUP, PENDARA ADMITS THAT TRENDE, SAPURU'S EVIL TWIN, IS THE ACTUAL FATHER!" **Just as Sparda uttered those words the T.V signal went out and all that was left was the sight and sound of static. **'OH. MY. GOD! I AM HAVING THE WORST DAY EVER!" **Unbeknownst to the Demon Lord, his day will continue to go down that road.

After a busy day of biological research, guestbook revising, and complete global saturation Wesker finally found some downtime and was reading the paper, when all of a sudden a boy with white hair, wearing a long red coat, and carrying a gigantic sword came crashing through the door, completely demolishing it and the glass windows around it. "WHAT THE HELL!" Yelled Wesker as he got up from his seat, but the young man paid no attention to him. Wesker was about to get ready to choke a bitch when another boy came lunging through the hole after the first one. This one looked almost identical to the guy he was attacking only his hair was slicked back and he had a long blue coat. Blue pulled a katana from seemingly out of nowhere and crossed swords with red, both looking at each other with intense hatred. The finally broke free of this and began exchanging blows; both matching each other's speed with ease. Both of their auras began to gain vast amounts of power when a voice called out from the exterior. It was no ordinary voice, but a voice of extreme frustrated anger.

"**HEY! STOP! IT! BOTH OF YOU!"**

The two boys stopped and looked in the direction of a female with long blonde hair that was clearly annoyed stomping towards them. The woman grabbed both of them by the ears and then walked towards Wesker. "Ow! Heey!" yelled Red in immense ear pain.

"Moooom, Stop it!" Yelled blue, trying to loosen her grip. The mother retaliated by pulling harder while getting closer to the counter.

"Not until both of you calm your asses down!" She yelled. Without batting an eyelash, she turned to Wesker and her voice changed into a peaceful tone. "I am so sorry about this." She apologised to Wesker.

"You're…sorry? Those hell spawns just hulk smashed my building!"

"I know, my husband will pay for the damages, he is one of your tenants actually. We were going up to meet him, mister…?"

"Wesker…alright…" sighed Wesker. "What's your husband's name?" Wesker then brought out his guestbook and opened it.

"His name is Sparda."

Wesker stopped looking through the book and looked back up at the woman with a puzzled look on his face.

"Sparda?"

"Yes."

"1301 Sparda?"

"I guess…"

"Huge booming demon?"

"Sounds like him."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"…Really?"

"YES! I boned a demon! What the hell don't you get about that? How do you think they got so powerful?"

"My god, Woman! Did they just shoot from your loins?"

"Look why don't you mind your damn business and let us go up." She then turned to her boys and pulled them closer. "Now, Dante" she said to the one in Red, "Virgil," she said, looking at the one in blue. "Tell Wesker you're sorry!" They both looked at him with disgruntled looks on their faces and quietly apologised in unison.

"…sorry…"

"Sure, whatever, just go away." Said Wesker as he sat down and began reading the paper again. The three got in the elevator (with Dante and Vigil shoving each other most of the way) and made their way to room 1301. She frantically knocked on the door until the Demon Lord answered.

"**YES, WHAT DO YOU WA…EVA?"** He said in a somewhat panicky voice. **'W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"**

"What am I doing here? Oh, I don't know…It might have something to do with these two walking atrocities that you help make!"

"**WHAT ABOUT THEM?"**

"Well, that's ALL you've helped with! I've had to deal with them for too long, they're your problem now!" Eva nudged them into Sparda's apartment and began to walk away.

"**BUT, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THEM?"** Sparda called out to Eva.

"I'll give you a hint: Don't buy them freaking swords, Dick!" Eva then proceeded into the elevator and disappeared behind the doors. Sparda rubbed the corner of his eyes and silently cursed himself as he shut the door and turned around only to be face to face with his two sons.

"**SOOOOOO…HOW'VE YOU BEEN?"** said Sparda desperately trying to move away from the awkwardness.

"Nothing much." Responded Dante "Actually, quite recently, we just came across our absentee father and have been forced to live with him in his rat infested hellhole of an apartment…but I might have told you that one before…."

"**OK, I GET IT, STOP BEING A SMARTASS!" **complained Sparda.

"Well, he's an ass, so you're half right." Said Virgil

"You're just jealous, **Vag**il!" Dante shot back as he stuck out his tongue.

"In what reality would I be jealous of you, **Dumb**te!"

"Shut up! I'm not stupid!" Retorted Dante as he pushed Virgil out of irritation

"Well, don't reference me as female genitalia!" Virgil said as he pushed him back

"Jackhole!" he pushed back.

"Deadbeat" he pushed back.

"Douchebag" he pushed again.

"Scum" he pushed again.

The sibling rivalry finally went too far and they pulled out their swords and began fighting again. Dante swung Force Edge at Virgil's face but he easily jumped out of the way as Dante's sword smashed into Sparda's T.V set. As Virgil was gliding downwards towards him, he pulled out Yamato ready to attack, but Dante pulled out his pistol, Ebony, and shot a bullet toward Virgil who deflected it into Sparda's autographed picture of Tom Jones and landed and immediately rushed towards his brother. The clashed swords once again in a desperate struggle to gain the upper hand.

"**HOLY CHRIST, I AM NOT READY FOR THIS CRAP TODAY!" **said Sparda. He walked up to his sons and separated them by picking them up and throwing them to the opposite sides of the room. **"OK SERIOUSLY GUYS, YOU GOTTA STOP BREAKING MY STUFF! LOOK WHY DON'T YOU GO AND CHECK OUT YOUR ROOM."**

Virgil got up and dusted off pieces of Sparda's mahogany coffee table from his coat. "Don't you mean check out our rooms?" he questioned.

"…**NO."**

"Well, I see no problems happening with this situation." Said Dante with only a hint of sarcasm. He got off of Sparda's prized fichus and followed the rest of his family into a small room with a bunk bed inside of it.

"Dad…why do you have a bunk bed already? Questioned a slightly confused Virgil.

"**OH, I FIGURED YOUR MOTHER WOULD BE SICK OF YOU TWO AT SOME POINT AND DUMP BOTH OF YOU HERE AT MY DOORSTEP SO I GOT IT JUST IN CASE."**

"Oh…oh thank god." Said a relived Dante. "He walked towards the bed and began to climb the ladder. "I call the top bunk."

"You can't have the top bunk, Dante." Said Virgil as he grabbed him by the arm. "It belongs to a true son of Sparda."

"Oh, for god's sakes Virgil, we're twins!" yelled Dante. "There is no possible way you could be a true son of Sparda if I'm not!"

"…Well…I'm the oldest."

"By like 30 seconds!"

"Exactly." Virgil said as he pulled him from the ladder and began to climb up himself.

"Why are you such a dick?" asked Dante as he forcefully traded places with him.

"Call me what you wish, you're still not getting the top bunk."Said Virgil as he pull his brother down.

"We'll see about that!"

The two brothers repeatedly pulled each other down and slapped each other's hands away trying to claim the top bunk for themselves.

"**WHAT THE HELL?"** Said a rather irritated Sparda. **"YOU GUYS ARE, LIKE, 27! HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!"** Sparda didn't wait for an answer to his rhetorical question and walked out of the room to leave his offspring to their own devices.


End file.
